Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to Bar-B-Que at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called “vegetarians”, an early word meaning  “bad hunters”) learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly Bar-B-Que’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and the beer that the conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized as the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass they are, for obvious reasons. Modern liberals like ‘lite’ beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists, and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher work extra hard as to go to bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively at whatever they set out to do. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who actually want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America; they crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a big business of trying to get more for nothing.

Herewith ends today’s lesson in world history.